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Golf Jokes

The world has many great golf jokes. Please bring a smile to all the golfers out there and add your best joke.

Here's one.

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'  
'Sure,' they said, 'you're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'  
'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.
'You're joking!' was the response.
'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'  
'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.  
'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can 
See she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her....... He's naked, too!!!  
He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'
'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'
'Can you do two for me now?'  
'Sure, what do you want?'
'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.'
'Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'
The hit man took the rifle and took aim , standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.
'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.....'


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Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing..' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband's Diary:

A five putt...who the f**k five putts?

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A Catholic priest, a doctor, a rich businessman and an Italian Guy from
New York were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Italian Guy from New York fumed,
What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!

The doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!

The rich businessman called out, 'Move it, time is money!

The Catholic priest said, Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a
word with him. Excuse me, sir! said the priest, 'What's wrong with that
group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?

The greens keeper replied, Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire
fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last
year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic priest said, That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

The doctor said, Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for

The rich businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire
fighters union in honor of these brave souls!

The Italian guy from New York said, Why the f**k can't they play at night?

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A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf
When she suffered a bee sting. cid:1007F08E5D6741EEA014499AC758B49B@D93ZJ52J
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return
To the clubhouse for help and
to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and
asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'

'I was stung by a bee', she said.

'Where', he asked.

'Between the first and second hole', she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said,

'Then your stance is too wide.'

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