Kiwi Jokes
A tour bus full of tourists stops by a farmer holding a sheep. One of them calls out "are you shearing?".
The farmer yells back, in an unhappy tone 'NO, **** off and get your own!'
Why does New Zealand have some of the fastest race horses in the world?
Because the horses have seen what they do with their sheep
A tourist from the US was driving around NZ. He was a bit tired and thought he needed somewhere to stay the night before getting to Queenstown. Then out of the darkness ran a bull, he couldn't avoid it, drove into it and killed it. He was still able to drive the car, so feeling guilty he drove to the farm house. He knocked on the door, The farmer answered the door. The American said 'Im very sorry but I've killed your bull and would like to replace it.'
The farmer said 'No dramas mate, go around the back you'll find all the cows in the shed, go for your life'
An Elephant, a penguin and a kiwi walk into a Central Otago Pub. 'Whats going on?' asks the bartender suspiciously. 'Is this supposed to be some kind of joke?'
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Glenn
Nov 1, 2013
Ritchie McCaw goes into the All Black changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit down. "What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game Ritchie. We know it's important but we've just beaten Argentina
and South Africa in consecutive weeks and let's be honest it's only Australia. They're total crap and we simply can't be bothered".
Ritchie looks at them and says "Oh well, the way I've been playing recently, I reckon I can beat these Aussies by myself,
you guys go down the pub."
So Ritchie goes out to play the Wallabys by himself while the rest of the All Black Team goes off for a few jars. After a few
beers they wonder how the game is going, so they get the barman to put the telly on.
A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "New Zealand 7, (McCaw - 10 minutes - Converted Try) - Australia 0 ".
He is beating Australia all by himself!!!! Anyway, the telly goes off and a few more beers later the game is forgotten until someone
remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how Ritchie got on". They get the telly put back on.
"Result from Eden Park: New Zealand 7, (McCaw, 10 minutes) - Australia 7, (Sharpe, 79 minutes)".
They can't believe it. Ritchie has single-handedly got a draw against Australia!!
They rush back to Eden Park to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down guys. Sorry, but I’ve really let you down." moans Ritchie.
"Don't be an idiot; you got a draw against Australia, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!" says the rest of the team.
"No, No, I have" says Ritchie, "I've let you down…………..I hope you can forgive me but I got sent off after 12 minutes"
+14 Dec 10, 2010
An Australian ventriloquist visitingNew Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to a local ,
'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'
Kiwi (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements..'
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f***ing liar.
+55 Nov 11, 2010
Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well,
So he decided to see a doctor.
"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.
"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey."
"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."
"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
+39 